If you feel your life’s out of control, blame God. But if you’re afraid God will punish you for blaming him, blame your parents.

…continued from yesterday

BEEVIS KICKED THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD. It was a long road for a fifteen-year-old to kick a can down, a long road with little future especially when he’s fifteen and it seemed like he’d been fifteen since the first Bush was President and that he’d be fifteen forever. But these last five days had lasted longer than the forever of the fifteen years before this week.

First a precocious five-year-old had told him he was a character in a story, which he didn’t want to believe until he started using words like precocious, which was the…

If you die in a dream and you really die, were you really dreaming, or did you just die?

…continued from yesterday

BEEVIS WONDERED WHEN HE WOULD WAKE from his dream. A terrible dream, made worse by the fact he’d never known could dream. And now, after taking a philosophy class, he had the sneaking suspicion his life was a dream, or, worse, a nightmare, a nightmare from which he’d never wake like that movie where the guy keeps waking from a dream only to be scared shitless and wake from a dream again.

Or was that a comic book? Beevis was never good at details. He counted on his buddy for that, even though his buddy was no…

PATRIOTS AND PROUD PROTESTORS leveled several blocks of Lufkin, Texas after a local bakery offered a selection of Pride Cookies to their small town customers. Hoping to support their LBGTQ customers, Confections Bakery offered a line of brightly frosted cookies that unleashed a backlash that reached all the way to Mar-A-Lago.

Hundreds of Confections’ followers dropped them from social media following the announcement of their new line of cookies, posting that the bakery had infringed on their First Amendment freedoms. “First they make us wear masks and now queer cookies? …

There’s nothing they teach in college that an idiot won’t think you wasted your money to learn

…continued from yesterday

BEEVIS COULDN’T REMEMBER ENROLLING in a freshman philosophy class, but here he was, sitting behind an old frat guy wearing a toga, one who never bathed from the smell of him, and a pretentious French intellectual who smoked cigarettes from a wide fancy box despite the no-smoking signs pasted on every wall of the room.

Not only could he not remember enrolling in the class, he couldn’t remember enrolling in college, or how he even graduated from high school. The last thing he remembered about school was the letter to his parents informing them he would repeat…

Just because you see the glove doesn’t mean it’s covering a hand

…continued from yesterday

BEEVIS COULDN’T SLEEP. He tossed and turned all night, well, all night except for the three hours he spent playing Sonic Hedgehog on his Game Gear and then, when he still couldn’t sleep, four hours watching a Ren & Stempy marathon on Nick at Night, so really he spent a few minutes tossing and turning and then doing what he did all day, but the point is Beevis couldn’t sleep. Not a wink. Not since that little brat Lucy Van Palt told him he was a character in a story.

She might be a character in a…

You are who your author writes you to be

BEEVIS KICKED THE CAN DOWN THE ROAD. It was a long road for a fifteen-year-old to kick a can down, a long road with little future especially when he’s fifteen and it seemed like he’d been fifteen since the first Bush was President and that he’d be fifteen forever. So he’d spent a nickel for a consultation with Lucy, the shrink who saw patients at her booth on the street corner.

“Why does it seem like I’m stuck in a rut, the same shit over and over? …

Just because you’ve had the run of the city, doesn’t mean no one else will move in

The call arrived from the harbor. “Help, Cecil, help.” Mighty Mouse, formerly known as Super Mouse, stopped in mid-flight and cupped his ear. The call repeated, “Help, Cecil, help.” That would be the yacht club docks, where the fat cats lived off the wealth of exploited workers.

Mouse couldn’t do much about the fat cats, they paid his salary, but he could save the damsel in distress at the docks. He executed a perfect ninety-degree turn and zipped towards his target, arriving within seconds, only to discover his damsel in distress was a five-year-old boy with a beany cap tied…

If you’re outnumbered, it might be wise to keep your mouth shut

TOON POLICE WERE DISPATCHED to the Roxie Theater on the corner of Sufferin’ Succotash and Cowabunga in the Springfield District, following a frantic call from the ticket clerk about a riot in the lobby. By the time they arrived, the rumble had spilled into the streets and the soda fountain next door. Window glass, loose teeth, and smoking zip guns littered the cobblestones, and dozens of toons nursed wounds as the violence escalated.

Both sides sustained heavy casualties, including the erasure of Warner Gang boss Bugsy Bunny and Disney boss Mickey the Knife, as well as bystanders such as little…