As long as you’re sharing, mix a little joy into the batter

…continued from Thursday

PREACHER BOB SLAMMED HIS BIBLE on the podium. He’d been speaking for 45 minutes and, without question, bringing everyone closer to God. They were all praying for God to nudge Bob into the fourth quarter. After all, it was ordinary Sunday service, not a revival.

So far he’d touched on sin, grace, falling from grace, forgiveness, repentance and now, “for instance, our long-time member Maudie Dimwhite who, in spite of her recent troubles with the law, has opened her own bakery at the age of…”

No one was listening. Whenever he mentioned a parishioner by name, everyone…

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Unless its Trojan.

…continued from Wednesday

WORLEY DERVISH, MAUDIE’S COURT-APPOINTED ATTORNEY, approached the judge at the pre-trial hearing. “Your Honor, has there really been a crime committed? Everything occurred on private property. No one but family witnessed Mrs. Dimwhite’s antics but her family and the police.”

Dervish sweated heavily, even though the courtroom was air-conditioned. He seemed a little jumpy, too. But he was a court-appointed attorney, which meant whether or not Maudie drew a good one was worse than a crap shoot. It was a roulette game with the house controlling the spin of the wheel.

The prosecuting attorney, himself just a…

With an impending debt crisis looming over the United States, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell once again assured anyone who would listen that he intends to do “fuck all” to resolve the problem. “The Democrats got us into this mess with the Drumpf tax cuts, without which they’d have plenty to finance their stupid programs to benefit ordinary Americans, so why should we rally to their cause?” he challenged reporters.

When reminded the Democrats came to the support of the GOP to raise the debt ceiling under Drumpf, McConnell countered, “That’s because Democrats are pussies who care more about the…

With the proper medication, you can accomplish anything

…continued from Tuesday

CONTRARY TO DELROYD’S COUNSEL, Auntie Maude didn’t come down from the roof on her own. She didn’t get the chance. A neighbor called the police about the shotgun blasts from her property. When the police arrived, she had switched to shooting invisible condors while Sharon sunbathed topless a few feet away, watching the sunset (and still dressed more modestly than Maudie, who’d tossed her clothes into the trees, the garden, and even the compost heap).

They couldn’t prosecute Sharon for sunbathing on private property, nor could they prosecute her for being high because Virginia had polished off…

Never get caught between a psychotic’s gun and their invisible kangaroo

…continued from Monday

SHARON TORE DOWN THE DIRT ROAD to Maudie’s trailer, ignoring the damage the rocks were doing to her axel. Virginia had played down the situation, but deep in her gut, the phrase “Maudie’s on the roof” suggested more than the punchline from a cliched joke.

Rocks and dirt launched into the sky as she cut a sharp curve after the elm tree. She shaded her eyes. Was that Maudie on her roof dancing with her shirt off and bra twisted around her waist, brandishing a shotgun?

The bright sun washed the scene in a screen of white…

The key to good cooking is the garnish

“A RECIPE EXCHANGE? Between Aunt Maudie and your cousin Delroyd?” Sharon’s grip would have broken her iPhone had she been She Hulk. But she wasn’t, so her fingers cramped instead.

“Maw Maw thought it would be a good idea. Since Aunt Maudie doesn’t get out much, she thought this might encourage her to get in touch with family members.” Her daughter Virginia’s voice rose, sounding whiny the way she always did when anyone questioned something she said. (Which was often.)

Sharon placed the phone on her counter and leaned over it with palms flat on the surface. She wore her…

Nothing beats an orgy to remind you why you married

EVERYONE AGREED BRENDA AND BRAXTON White had the most successful marriage in the suburb of Whitesville. Braxton’s grandfather built the White Tire Factory — the suburb’s major employer, its first mayor and owner of half the area’s real estate. Brenda’s family came from oil, lots of it. In addition, they’d signed an iron-clad prenup, and divorce could bankrupt both families.

Nobody wanted that. Too much of the town’s wealth was tied up with the White’s fortunes. …

When your party takes an unexpected turn, salvage the night by posting the video online

BRENDA WHITE BUTTONED HER BLOUSE and rushed into the hallway to discover the source of the banging next door. The banging coming from her bedroom. The banging that came with a woman’s squeak. She knew that squeak. It was the same squeak her friend (and former bridesmaid Sharon) made when the mouse ran across the meditation room during a retreat ten years before.

(The yogi had said the mouse was a test of their focus, but half the women left early anyway.)

Brenda opened her bedroom door and found Sharon on top of someone. Half naked. “Goddam it, Sharon, if…