Drumpf removes blessing from Abbott — Texas Republicans reeled today when Drumpf ordered them to remove Texas Governor Gregg Abbott from office. “That bastard can’t do one simple job. Why shouldn’t I fire him?” the Once-and-Future Fake President reportedly declared during a phone call with GOP leaders that included Lt. Governor Dan Patrick, 400-times indicted Attorney…

Star wranglers looking for love — FLASH ROGERS, STAR WRANGLER AND PILOT of a Wild West themed intergalactic cruse liner, walked into a star bar. Not just any star bar, the crown jewel of his cruise ship’s star bars, Eta Argus, a club illuminated by free floating dust and floor to ceiling windows to the stars…

Best and Brightest — PISSONYA JONES HATED HER NAME and hated her old man for naming her. She hated her mother more for not putting her foot down and insisting on another name. (Until she learned that her mother wanted to name her Prudence after her grandmother. Then she hated her mother for wanting…

Best and Brightest — NO ONE EVER CLAIMED Ed Ellis was the sharpest knife in the drawer. Or even the shiniest. In fact (were we to extend the metaphor), most would suspect Ed couldn’t cut through a stick of butter left on the counter on a hot summer day in a house with no…

Best and Brightest — “COCK FIGHTING?” Herb listened skeptically as his buddy Topher praised the sport. They had just finished their third pitcher and Herb had raised his finger to get the attention of their Hooter’s waitress. She’d ignored them despite his generous five percent tip every time he and his friends dropped by. …

Best and Brightest — JOE BOB BESCHUSS never saw the point of college, and he shared that fact with his attorney every time they met. “I mean, look what it got you, friend.” (Joe Bob referred to his attorney as friend because he’d never learned the man’s name.) “I mean, really. Look at you…

Best and Brightest — BILL AND TED SAT ON TED’S PARENTS’ COUCH in the basement watching the Keanu Reeves marathon on TNT. Bill’s fingers scraped the bottom of a giant bag of pizza combos while Ted filled the bowl of his bong and fired it with a butane torch. Bill spoke through a mouthful…

Stoner Week — HERB BALE CROSSED THE AISLES of the dispensary and shot toward the office in the back like a bee after a pollinating flower. The sign in the window, painted in a flourishing art nouveau typeface, read: “Dr. Monte Kush, Weed Doctor.” He knocked and Kush waved him in, the good…

Stoner Week — MARY JANE’S BEST IDEAS arrived when she was stoned. Her decision to drop out of medical school to become a freelance free love artist, for instance. Or her decision to leave her family and join the Worshippers of the Stoner Sun commune in Big Bend National Park (before the Park…