Drumpf removes blessing from Abbott

Texas Republicans reeled today when Drumpf ordered them to remove Texas Governor Gregg Abbott from office. “That bastard can’t do one simple job. Why shouldn’t I fire him?” the Once-and-Future Fake President reportedly declared during a phone call with GOP leaders that included Lt. …

If you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, why not settle for a one night stand?

Star wranglers looking for love

astronaut dials up virtual girl

FLASH ROGERS, STAR WRANGLER AND PILOT of a Wild West themed intergalactic cruse liner, walked into a star bar. Not just any star bar, the crown jewel of his cruise ship’s star bars, Eta Argus, a club illuminated by free floating dust and floor to ceiling windows to the stars…

Always plan for the worst, and then plan for what might happen if the worst goes south from there

Halloween week

Terminator ambushes trick-or-treater

SIX MINUTES AFTER SEVEN and they were already out of candy, but the Halloween crowd had just turned over. Toddler parents were herding their ankle biters to their vans, and the pre-teens were flooding onto the sidewalks. …

Truth Social offers another round of ripoffs

Web page featuring Amazon Echo with Ivanka interface

TRUTH SOCIAL, former President Donald Drumpf’s social media network, unveiled it’s newest upgrade today with the release of its smart home device Ivanka. …

If the class bully won’t invite you to his party, don’t try to sneak in the back

Halloween week

Werewolf brand beer

WOLVES HOWLED IN THE DISTANCE when Eddie Simple turned the corner to his best buddy Bud’s block. The howls grew louder as the moon poked through the clouds. The traffic on Bud’s street had died and the only light from the houses was coming from the house across from Bud’s.

It’s okay to hold back the candy so long as you’re not an ass about it

Halloween week

Boy in business suit directs students

JEREMY, FIFTH-GRADE STUDENT and third-level sorcerer, watched the trick-or-treaters from the entrance to the Goldenwood Estates and thought to himself, suckers. …

No matter how mature your teens behave in public, in private they’ll bite your head off in an instant

Star Warz Week*

Child kicks over his LEGOs

LUXX STARHIKER’S STOMACH CHURNED as he looked from the observatory on Beezwax’ Smog City to the planet miles below. …

He who is worthy should always keep his hand on his equipment just in case

Star Warz Week*

Darth Vader approaches priestess with unsheathed light saber

DEEP IN THE DEAD ZONE, where the mysteries of the galaxy remain forever veiled to all but the most adept Luddite warriors, brave explorers may — with perseverance, the guidance of the Forthe and the proper star charts (available at Star-Mart for 29.99 imperial credits) — find themselves on the…

There is no product so noxious that shrewd marketing can’t compel your kids to drive you crazy until you buy it for them

Star Warz Week*

Happy meal with star wars character

SATURDAY AFTERNOON AT MCBUBBLES, where parents, grandparents and unsuspecting aunts and uncles drafted into babysitting waited in a line that wrapped six times and streamed out onto the concourse of the New Terraformed Cartooine Intergalactic Resort and Mall. …

Just when you think your shame can’t get worse, someone from the family shows up to embarrass you even more

Star Warz Week*

HAHN SOLO TOOK A SEAT AT THE BAR of the 420 Intergalactic Grill. He ordered six Triple Double Down Sucker Punches, lined them in front of him and tuned out the Rygelian band playing bad reggae covers. After one Sucker Punch the band improved from terrible to just bad, after…

Phillip T Stephens

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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