When your party takes an unexpected turn, salvage the night by posting the video online

BRENDA WHITE BUTTONED HER BLOUSE and rushed into the hallway to discover the source of the banging next door. The banging coming from her bedroom. The banging that came with a woman’s squeak. She knew that squeak. It was the same squeak her friend (and former bridesmaid Sharon) made when the mouse ran across the meditation room during a retreat ten years before.

(The yogi had said the mouse was a test of their focus, but half the women left early anyway.)

Brenda opened her bedroom door and found Sharon on top of someone. Half naked. “Goddam it, Sharon, if…

Just because they’re laughing doesn’t mean they’re laughing with you

STEPHAN WOULD RATHER BE ANYWHERE other than a mansion filled with brown-nosers, ass-kissers, and their tagalongs — watching the Indians (now Guardians), attending a Pere Ubu reunion concert, tripping while listening to throat singers, throwing up too many Zombies in the bathroom at Angie’s Trash Pit, lashed with razor wire in a Dominatrix’ dungeon and unable to remember his safe word.

But Angela insisted. She said it was the party of the year, half of Whitesville attended, including everyone where she worked. As always, she held the upper hand. She made 95k a year for White Tires, Inc. …

The best way to know yourself is to listen to others’ gossip

BRENDA AND BRAXTON’S PARTIES followed a time-honored routine. First-time guests arrived at the time written on the invitation, long-time guests drifted in over the next two hours. By eleven the men were caucusing in Braxton’s trophy room, their wives on the patio, and the other employees and their partners wandered through the house wondering what to do. Failing all else, they drank.

On the patio, the women gossiped like members of the church altar guild, a tidbit about Susan Saunders by the barbecue pit, a bon mot about Jenny Whitebredd next to the ficus trees, a bread crumb about Marilyn…

Following Sunday’s announcement that Democrats plan to finance infrastructure by repealing the Drumpf tax package, Senate Minor ity Leader Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to retake the Senate and Drumpf empire from the rebel Democrat forces. Donning his ceremonial Drumpth Lord cloak he announced he would disband the Senate in his first move to reorganize the government.

While many Americans have been aware that two parties regularly vie for control of the seat of American policy, few have been aware of the ongoing battle between the dark and light sides of the force carried on by the JoBi Knights and…

No matter how embarrassing the faux pas, they will only forestall inevitable disaster

EVERYONE IN WHITESVILLE, at least everyone of consequence in Whitesville, looked forward to September, for every September Braxton and Brenda White threw their anniversary bash. Every year for 25 years, the citizens of Whitesville waited with fingers crossed in hopes of their invitation.

Sara Wellflower, however, thought twice when she opened hers. She’d only been in town since March when White Tires, Inc. hired her as VP in charge of International Marketing. During that time, she’d heard stories about the White’s parties that would make a seasoned hooker shower for days. …

Never tease someone who’s bigger, and more heavily armed

KARL THE DESTROYER RODE INTO KUSH on his battle ox Bill with his battle axe Clark strapped to his back. He’d wrapped his shoulders with the skin of the last Hyborean black bear, and his boots were fashioned from the skin of the great Zingaran shark. He’d fashioned the breastplate with his own hands from molten iron and burn scars covered his hands to prove it.

He passed a gathering of old warriors who sat on logs and rocks passing a pipe and singing battle shanties. The largest was Gorm the Marauder, hero of the Hyborean campaigns. Beside him, Krom…

Never give a banker an even break

LANCE THRUSTER, ECO-FRIENDLY AND CRUELTY-FREE PIRATE, landed the Jolly Martyr, his bio fueled helicopter, on the OmniCorp helipad. He raised the Smiley Face and Cross Fingers on the corporate mast and led his hardy crew of Buckarooneers down the stairwells to the corporate boardroom.

(They refused to use elevators because they didn’t want to rely on power from the city plants and contribute to climate change.)

His Buckarooneers spread through the building while his elite team took the board members hostage. …

Just because they got it wrong that doesn’t mean you got it right

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH WITH TWO OUTS, bases loaded and his team leading by two in the seventh game of the World Series. Clint Lister, LHP (6–10 with a 3.75 ERA) had walked the last two batters on ten pitches, so the manager called for Speed to close the game.

Stu Speed, 6’ 9” with a 2.25 ERA and 47 saves, strolled to the mound to wild cheers from the away section of the stadium. He threw his warmup pitches and nodded to signal he was ready. Not only ready, but laser focused.

Boomer Sandusky, Detroit center fielder (189 RBIs…