One week after reporters revealed that former president Donald J. Drumpf claimed he could beat a ticket led by George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, he was unanimously barred from the Dead President’s Club. Although the club has branches in heaven, hell, and purgatory, all three have barred the doors to future membership.

According to Washington, the group scheduled a Zoom meeting this weekend and voted without even discussing the question. “Why give the man the courtesy of debate? He would sell out every former President in a heartbeat.”

Lincoln confided to The Haven, “Even Harding and Nixon were allowed to…

Shakespeare posed the question, “What’s in a name? A rose by any other name will smell just as sweet.” Unfortunately for Democrats, Republicans no longer know Shakespeare (possibly because they teach him in public, not home schools). Nor did Shakespeare write in the age of memes.

Shakespeare was also wrong, a lesson Democrats never learn. In the current war of political ideas, Democrats have taken the side of Socrates while Republicans have allied themselves with Isocrates and the Sophists. Nor am I mocking the sophists who founded our modern schools of rhetoric. …

If you don’t want your friends to talk behind your back, make sure you’re always facing them

THE USUAL LUNCH between the matrons of the Butte Fork Women’s Civic Society would be one member short today. Geraldine Pompwort had been forced to cancel, suffering from the miseries, which meant she would come under the brutal scrutiny that her presence would have otherwise sidelined. Technically, the agenda called for them to plan the 41st Annual High Tea to recognize the society’s newest members, but who could bother with seating arrangements when one of their members was recovering from surgery?

The sun through the window washed across Adeline Poshpusher, who had complained to their server a dozen times already…

What’s the point of a window if you can’t spy on your neighbors?

CHAD LOWERED HIS BINOCULARS and shouted to his wife, Sue, who was mixing cocktails. “Your friend Amber is at it again.”

Sue appeared in the doorway with a frosted martini in each hand. His martini had three olives, hers a cocktail onion. “Spying in Amber’s back yard is invading her privacy.” She wrapped his fingers around the stem of his glass, then relaxed on the couch with hers.

He sipped his drink and raised the binoculars again. “It isn’t invading her privacy if I’m protecting our family from demonic incursion.”

“Most wives worry about their husbands spying on the other…

If you can’t find the source of the buzzing, check the tip of your nose

THE NOISE SHOOK JACK FROM HIS BED — Steppenwolf with a deep driving bass cranked to maximum, pounding and throbbing, battering his brain like a jackhammer. The full moon shined through the window. He should have known — time for another Alpha Alpha Lycan frat party.

He threw on his shorts, ran down the stairs and onto the street, a street empty except for partygoers. Empty of cars, people, people walking dogs, any dogs. Empty because when AAL threw threw their full moon parties, the rest of the residents fled to the theaters, restaurants, even the hills.

Lights blazed from…

Corona virus update

A Michigan Catholic school, Resurrection School, has sued the state over mask requirement because it forces students to “hide God’s glory.” According to the Lansing, Mi, school’s lawsuit, “every human has dignity and is made in God’s image and likeness. Unfortunately, a mask shields our humanity. And because God created us in His image, we are masking that image.”

The school’s director, Father Kyle D. Mallester told The Lansing Journal, “God hates masks. They violate the first commandment which is to remember his glory. And what is more glorious than his image which is reflected in man, who he made…

We value loyalty as long as it’s convenient for us to do so

IMHOTEP STOOD AT THE WINDOW, watching the Rolls Royce pass the gates of his estate and turn onto the dusty roads of Cairo. He dropped the curtain, settled into his easy chair and poured a Sakara beer to drown his sorrows.

Anck Su Namun hadleft him, and after all he’d done for her. He stood between her and Pharaoh’s wrath when he stumbled upon them making love in the palace gardens. Was it his fault that, once he was dead, Pharaoh disposed of her anyway?

How did Anck Su Namun repay him? By clubbing all night, spending her daytime hours…

Just because your heart is no longer in it doesn’t mean you have to abandon your worst habits

COUNT ZOLOFT WOKE ALONE IN HIS BEDROOM in the middle of the day, which he could tell by the faint pools of light at the base of his six-inch thick drapes. He groaned, turned over, and buried his head under the pillow.

Later in the week, when he finally sat up at the edge of the bed, he spotted blood on the bedsheets and pillows. He pushed his fingers into his temples until he pictured a cloudy image of him rolling in the sack with two mindless boy toys from the Velvet Necro Lounge.

When he struggled into the living…