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One of my alien abductors peruses the book “Handbook of Human Behavior.”

Mimicking Human Behavior

A new installment in “I Was Abducted by Aliens in a Former Life”

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An example of the wide variety of alien languages I work with.

Cute gray aliens are even more unpopular in the galaxy than Americans are abroad. They’re rude, pushy and tell the other species how they should run their planets.

Handbook of Human Behavior:

A pointless manual of etiquette and courtesy towards species who will soon remove themselves from the universal equation

Warning:

Never mate with humans! Humans insert disgusting objects in their mouths — dried nasal mucus, fingers, toes, finger and toe nails, smoking leaves, string, hair, sticks, penises, vaginas and anuses.

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Human sex is disgusting. Don’t try it.

Eating Tips

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Aliens have difficulty determining what is polite to eat and what is off limits
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Don’t eat what your teeth can’t bend.
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Never eat people when other people are watching.

Whatever you do, don’t eat humans while other humans watch. Unless you plan to eat everyone at the table.

Conversation

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Humans don’t like it when you read their minds
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Humans hate it when you reveal their thoughts.

Gestures

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Humans mean friendship when they offer their hand. Shake it, don’t eat it.

The extended middle is not an invitation to mate. They’re suggesting you mount your blowhole. Under no circumstances, however, should you follow their suggestion.

Lying

Things to never ask humans

Believe it or not:

Human language is little more than mind excrement, which they generate faster than earth plants generate oxygen.

Under no circumstances should you ask:

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Written by

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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