Chad wants to be just like 45, but richer. He doesn’t know who 45 is because he ignored math to look up Suzy Perkins skirt all the way through middle school and “has an app” for when he needs to use numbers.

He can’t understand why fake news would put him on the cover but he has dick pics he would gladly let Gamer’s Weekly put on their cover. He used the Photoshop app to paint Pokémon faces on them.

I know this because Chad still thinks we’re best buds from high school when he roofied my girl friend Donna, and left a signed condom on her navel. He took my comment “Oh, sure, Chad. Every guy thinks it’s funny when you dope and rape his girlfriend,” as a statement of approval.

(Chad’s parents told him that would be the last time they paid a girl’s family to keep her quiet, but it wasn’t.)

He understands why a “hot babe like that reporter” would file charges against Al Franken because “he’s butt ugly,” but “guys like Weisenstein (his word) have all the money in the world so you’d think they’d want to cash in.”

He keeps the Trump, Billy Bush video on his cell phone to show people his “President Potential.” If he can’t be President (or Putin), he wants to take Hefner’s place on Playboy magazine.

He also swears he’s a first-class Christian and has a front row seat in heaven because God knows the real thing when he sees it.

Knowing guys like Billy convinces me it will be a long and uphill battle before we legally acknowledge that women have the right to control their bodies, but maybe it will happen for my granddaughter’s granddaughters.

Written by

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store