Image for post — The men’s room graffiti believed to have inspired Drumpf’s rant on toilets, sinks and light bulbs.

Drumpf Sets Impeachment Priorities

”Toilet flushing, water drips and white light bulbs”

Facing certain impeachment, rising unemployment in swing states, and the shooting of US Naval forces at the Pensacola Naval Base, Drumpf outlined his priorities for the upcoming year. He plans to improve the regulations on flush toilets, sinks and light bulbs.

Drumpf complained that light bulbs make everyone look orange during a roundtable with business leaders and White House staff members (none of whom looked orange except him). He then blamed EPA water regulations for restricting water flow so severely that it takes some people 15 to 20 times to flush the waste in their toilets and that their faucets do no better than drip.

Representatives of the EPA say they were unaware that people needed twenty flushes to dispose of solid waste, but if the President said it, it must be true. “We’ve learned to take the President at his word. He knows more about science than us. In fact, the EPA no longer hires anyone whose taken science classes after the eighth grade and most of us are home schooled anyway.”

”The EPA has learned to take the President at his word. He knows more about science than us. In fact, the EPA no longer hires anyone whose taken science classes after the eighth grade and most of us are home schooled anyway.”

Nor has The Haven, or any other legitimate news organization been able to find any studies verifying Drumpf’s claims. FOX News, however, devoted most of Friday evening and the next day to interviewing victims of EPA water restrictions. The broadcasters swore the victims were selected at random, even though all of them have appeared on paid commercials for the FOX network.

Plumbing supplies manufacturers in Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas suggest Drumpf’s claims might be exaggerated or misleading, and that low pressure toilets should dispose of waste with no more than two flushes. They also suggested that extremely low pressure usually indicates a problem with their water supply or pipes.

The White House responded, “These blue state businesses can’t make a working toilet any better than their Democratic lawmakers can make a working law.”

Photo verifying Drumpf's claim that lightbulbs make everyone orange. (White House) — Photo showing light bulbs that make everyone orangeT. (White House)

Since reports of Drumpf’s charges became public, The Haven has tried to track down the source of his statistics. We found only one source who would speak on the record, albeit under the condition of anonymity. “The guys in charge of cleaning his private bathroom told other staff members that Drumpf Tweets so often because it takes him hours to crap, and since he won’t flush for himself, the shit pile he leaves behind takes them twenty flushes, a shovel and two men plunging to dispose of it all. They would rather just cart it out in a wheel barrow to fertilize the White House lawn, but, despite his claims to the contrary, his shit stinks so bad, we would have to abandon the building for two hours to clean it out.”

Even then Drumpf only learned of the comments when another staff member drew graffiti that depicted him crapping on the pot and Tweeting. In the crude picture he sits on a pile of shit higher than the toilet, which, according to his cleaning staff, is much smaller than the real mess he leaves.

”When the only person in the room that you see is yourself, then of course everyone’s face will be orange.”

Our source added, “As to the orange lighting, I think we all know the basis of that one. When the only person in the room that you see is yourself, then of course everyone’s face will be orange.”