For some reason, the footnotes were not included with Allan’s post. We are rectifying that now:

7:15—Trump would never groom himself. It’s better when others do menial labor and he likes women’s hands touching his face. His on-call all female staff of personal groomers wait in an antechamber with personal care products and liquid nitrogen to freeze his face because bronzer doesn’t take when his mouth keeps moving.

8:01—Erice and DBag (as he’s called by the family, affectionately, in private) watch Wild Kingdom with loaded rifles so they can fantasize killing the animals. Occasionally they forget it’s fantasy and fire, which is why people avoid the TV room like a plague until 9 pm.

8:45—The White House staff keeps his preferred KFC supplied with gold dust which they are required to add as the “12th secret spice.”

11:00—The boys, as usual, have forgotten to leave their rifles behind and Trump thinks they’re hunting for him so they can get his money quicker. They don’t know it’s all going to a trust fund to be divided between Putin and a foundation to train young women for Miss Universe.

1:45—Since the President can’t perform, and he hates germs and bodily fluids, the girls pour yellow Kool-Aid all over his body then wrestle him in the tub, making sure he wins.

5:00—Hoping to forestall his most rampant Twitter ramblings, the White House staff is exploring the possibilty of feeding simulated news broadcasts using CGI versions of real newscasters featuring “All Trump, Every Story, Always Great” coverage.

6:15—At the end of their session, Bannon sends complete recorded coverage to Putin, who responds by 8 am EST with instructions on how to handle Trump for the next 24 hours.

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