Here’s what they don’t eat:

2–13: Anything green, yellow or orange. Unless it comes in a bag and is filled with artificial red, yellow and orange dye and is saturated with sugar or salt and trans fats.

14 until they move out (which may be never):You remember those gluten-free vegan muffins that you spent a fortune on to buy the ingedients and spent hours baking because their hipster friend Josh/Janae swears by them? They’re growing mold. Oh, and the sandwich they threw together with every thing in the fridge, took one bite from and left on the counter? They’re never eating that. But since it’s soaked in Axe body spray or some other noxious transfer, you won’t either. And don’t forget the half-shake and Big Mac in the back of the fridge which they bought mistakenly believing they could polish off three shakes, three burgers and two large fries. They’re never eating those because it’s too much trouble to microwave the burger and they took twenty dollars from your purse/wallet to do a fresh fast food run this afternoon (half of which may also end up in the back of your fridge)

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Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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