POTUS stalks committee chair Nunes, furious that the House Committee took one of his awards. (US House)

House Committee Wins Dissembler Award

“Don’t worry America, it was just a bad dream.”

The President took home every trophy but one during the Dissemblers Award ceremony last night, but that wasn’t good enough to suit him. He swept the 2017 awards, including the coveted Pinnochio Award for telling the most lies in a single year, and the See No Evil award for his continued denial of any Russian involvement in the 2016 elections.

This year he took the new and highly coveted Applenana award for his ability to find moral equivalence to Obama in his most heinous, neglectful and stupid decisions. However, a last minute voting surge pushed the See No Evil Award to the House Intelligence Committee for disbanding their investigation.

The judges decided that “even though the move took place after the award year closed, it was the most audacious move by any of the players. In addition, the decision to shut down with a single page press release and the distraction created by the ‘Nunes’ memo took the media’s focus off obvious Russian collusion for several weeks. No one else in the current administration has managed to distract the media and public for more than a few hours.”

A muffled sound of “bullshit” was heard over the thundering applause. Everyone attending celebrated the House Committee win but the President, who sat with his arms crossed and his jowls sagging into his shirt collar.

A muffled sound of “bullshit” was heard over the thundering applause. Everyone attending celebrated the House Committee win but the President, who sat with his arms crossed and his jowls sagging into his shirt collar.

The Applenana and Pinnochio Awards. (Pixabay)

At this point the President climbed onto the stage clutching his Pinnochio award with help from three Secret Service agents. Even at his svelte weight of 238 pounds he looked clearly out of breath as he stalked Nunes very much the way he stalked candidate Clinton in the 2016 debates.

Oblivious to the sharklike presence looming at his shoulder, Nunes gave the audience a peek at the final report, which he believed should make them strong contenders for next year. “Dems tried to shift our focus with little picky stuff that happened before the election. Emails and contracts between POTUS and Putin, Flynn and the FSB, Kushner and Russian banks Putin owned. We stood firm and ignored it.”

“Dems tried to shift our focus with little picky stuff that happened before the election. Emails and contracts between POTUS and Putin, Flynn and the FSB, Kushner and Russian banks Putin owned.”

That comment brought a standing ovation from everyone but POTUS who tried to grab the trophy several times while Nunes spoke. After the assembly all but one person in the audience agreed the Intel Committee was the front runner for next year’s trophy.

White House sources confirm that the President tried to buy the trophy from the committee in exchange for a resort condominium for relaxation and staff training. When the committee refused, he ordered a combined force of Rangers, Seals and Green Berets to steal the trophy. At that point Chief of Staff John Kelly locked him in his bathroom to Tweet until he calmed down.

(POTUS) ordered a combined force of Rangers, Seals and Green Berets to steal the trophy…Chief of Staff John Kelly locked him in his bathroom to Tweet until he calmed down.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.