POTUS stalks committee chair Nunes, furious that the House Committee took one of his awards. (US House)

House Committee Wins Dissembler Award

“Don’t worry America, it was just a bad dream.”

This year he took the new and highly coveted Applenana award for his ability to find moral equivalence to Obama in his most heinous, neglectful and stupid decisions. However, a last minute voting surge pushed the See No Evil Award to the House Intelligence Committee for disbanding their investigation.

The judges decided that “even though the move took place after the award year closed, it was the most audacious move by any of the players. In addition, the decision to shut down with a single page press release and the distraction created by the ‘Nunes’ memo took the media’s focus off obvious Russian collusion for several weeks. No one else in the current administration has managed to distract the media and public for more than a few hours.”

A muffled sound of “bullshit” was heard over the thundering applause. Everyone attending celebrated the House Committee win but the President, who sat with his arms crossed and his jowls sagging into his shirt collar.

A muffled sound of “bullshit” was heard over the thundering applause. Everyone attending celebrated the House Committee win but the President, who sat with his arms crossed and his jowls sagging into his shirt collar.

Recused, then not recused, committee chair Devin Nunes accepted the award for the recipients. “I can see someone is miffed right now, but it is truly an honor to accept this award for our fine work in blatantly covering up Presidential malfeasance and collusion.” He held out the trophy, a gold plated monkey with hand covering eyes, for everyone to see.

The Applenana and Pinnochio Awards. (Pixabay)

At this point the President climbed onto the stage clutching his Pinnochio award with help from three Secret Service agents. Even at his svelte weight of 238 pounds he looked clearly out of breath as he stalked Nunes very much the way he stalked candidate Clinton in the 2016 debates.

Oblivious to the sharklike presence looming at his shoulder, Nunes gave the audience a peek at the final report, which he believed should make them strong contenders for next year. “Dems tried to shift our focus with little picky stuff that happened before the election. Emails and contracts between POTUS and Putin, Flynn and the FSB, Kushner and Russian banks Putin owned. We stood firm and ignored it.”

“Dems tried to shift our focus with little picky stuff that happened before the election. Emails and contracts between POTUS and Putin, Flynn and the FSB, Kushner and Russian banks Putin owned.”

After a round of applause he added, “Worse, they kept wasting our time with materials the administration labeled “top secret, which meant we couldn’t use them anyway. Muller cannot use these documents either because they’re so secret they don’t exist. He’ll violate a dozen security regulations issued in secret by the White House if he tries to bring them into court. So, you can sleep safely with no worry, America. This was all a bad dream.”

That comment brought a standing ovation from everyone but POTUS who tried to grab the trophy several times while Nunes spoke. After the assembly all but one person in the audience agreed the Intel Committee was the front runner for next year’s trophy.

White House sources confirm that the President tried to buy the trophy from the committee in exchange for a resort condominium for relaxation and staff training. When the committee refused, he ordered a combined force of Rangers, Seals and Green Berets to steal the trophy. At that point Chief of Staff John Kelly locked him in his bathroom to Tweet until he calmed down.

(POTUS) ordered a combined force of Rangers, Seals and Green Berets to steal the trophy…Chief of Staff John Kelly locked him in his bathroom to Tweet until he calmed down.

The Dissemblers Awards are presented by the Fox Broadcasting Company to elected officials who provide them with news most perfectly tailored to their audiences and their beliefs about “what good news should be.”

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.