Ignore Him Till He Tires and Moves On

The only way to defeat Trump is to erase him from our conversations.

For half a year ordinary citizens raised the rally against Trump’s ongoing campaign of disinformation, misdirection, slander against his critics and outright lies. They relied on two strategies to spread the word:

  1. Posting the correct information wherever possible. This includes posting to Facebook, commenting on posts promoting Trump’s outrageous claims, tweeting, following and retweeting accounts like @Rogue Potus, and writing for Medium publications, blogs, and op ed in traditional media.
  2. Satire and parody. Writing good satire requires more effort and sophistication. Usually. Trump’s staffing decisions make it easy. His comments at press conferences make it easier. His tweets make it easiest of all, since they only need to be retweeted as self-satire. In addition to well known comics like Bill Maher and Samantha Bee, Allan Ishac posts satirical Trump stories daily on Medium. The comic strip Rantdog and Mrs. Betty Bowers (America’s best Christian) skewer him mercilessly on Twitter and YouTube.

Both approaches failed. Miserably. Trump critics overlooked one simple fact: Trump loves hearing his name. He can’t get enough of it. He spends most of his time in the Oval Office trawling cable networks for news about Donald Trump.

When the news is favorable, he’s overjoyed. He tweets the news and works it into his “off-the-cuff” speeches. When it’s critical, he’s also thrilled. He’s found another enemy he can bash in his tweets and speeches in order to Make the Trump Franchise Great Again. (Not that it isn’t great already. It’s the greatest franchise ever, exceeded in Greatness only by the magnificence of Trump himself).

Trump believes that if the Fake Media criticizes him, he’s winning. In Trump’s mind the media wouldn’t protest if he wasn’t shaking things up with “totally right thinking.”

Who is the Fake Media? Anyone who criticizes Trump. This means, believe it or not, I’m the fake media for tweeting my Trump jokes.[1] You’re the fake media if you’ve ever replied to a tweet or Facebook post with a comment that doesn’t deify Trump.

Trump believes that if the Fake Media criticizes him, he’s winning. In Trump’s mind the media wouldn’t protest if he wasn’t shaking things up with “totally right thinking.” Who is the Fake Media? Anyone who criticizes Trump.

Trumpshausted

Even if we didn’t reinforce and enable Trump’s delusions of grandeur with every comment and tweet, we’re speeding up that inevitable moment when we’ll be rendered immune to the craziness. That moment when the New York Times prints vid caps from the golden showers tape, the complete transcript of his conversations with Putin (including his orders to undermine the Constitution) and a photograph of his contract with Lucifer (signed in blood) only to prompt a bored response, “What’s new?”

On that day we clear Trump’s path to a second, third and maybe even lifetime term. We need to head that day off by turning it against Trump now.

The one thing Trump fears most is a dip in the ratings. If we deliberately tune Trump out, and make it clear our only response will be to tune him out, he’ll short circuit.

The one thing Trump fears most is a dip in the ratings. If we deliberately tune Trump out, and make it clear our only response will be to tune him out, he’ll short circuit.

How can he scream “fake news,” when no one’s tweeting or posting about him? How can he say the left is against him when we don’t even mention him?

I propose that from now on, no matter what Trump does, no matter how outrageous, we ignore it. If we feel we must show our disapproval, we do so without mentioning his name. In short, I propose that — just like the White House refuses to comment on questions they don’t like — we find our own version of “no comment.”

Mutually Assured Disrespect

Trump only respects rich white men like him. I propose that — from here on out — no matter how tempted we are to parse his misdeeds in detail (which isn’t hard), we refrain.

We don’t need to worry about the word of his misdeeds, flubs and fumbles being reported. Mainstream media will hold him to account. “But the people who most need to hear it won’t hear it,” you might be thinking. They will, they won’t be able to avoid it in arguments at the dinner table, from conversations at the next table in restaurants, from the televisions in restaurants and gas stations.[2]

I recommend that if we must comment, we comment only by typing the hashtag:

#Boring45

If you must be an individual, you can use any number of hashtags to express the same emotion. I prefer “#Boring45” because it places the blame on President…I mean, 45. You aren’t to blame for your lack of attention, 45 is to blame because he’s boring.

Let’s face it. If he were your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner and not POTUS, you’d tune him out before the family said blessing.[3]

This strategy, I might add, is the greatest strategy in the history of strategies.

If we must comment, we comment only by typing the hashtag #Boring45. Let’s face it. If he were your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner and not POTUS, you’d tune him out before the family said blessing. This strategy is the greatest strategy in the history of strategies.

Possible alternatives include:

  • #boredwith45,
  • #BoredBy45,
  • #CouldntCareLess45
  • #NotListening45
  • #pointless45
  • #yawning45.

You can even add an emoji. I like the orange faced orangutan.

You can include an illustration or emoji of an an orange-faced orangutan with blonde hair. (Elements provided by freepix)

I know this makes it difficult for entertainers cashing in on the self-parody Trump produces daily, writers like Ishac and comedians like Deven Green.[4] But we have to make sacrifices for our country. I, for instance, am giving up my Photoshopped faux[5] Tweets from 45.

I’m making the sacrifice with you. Nothing thrills me more than composing fake Tweets. But it gets exhausting.

Alternative options for self-expression

Opportunities for 45 joke replacements abound. We can still make fun of 45’s staff. For instance:

  • Sara Huckabee Sanders, the whelp suckling mistress of meanness.
  • Steve Miller, the serial killer of an entire middle class.
  • Jeff Sessions, Pinocchio with ears that grow instead of his nose.
  • Spin doctors Corey Lewandowski and Jeffrey Lord who would defend 45 if the police caught him dumping bodies into a mass grave, with videos of his lemon yellow hair and orange skin glowing in the dark.
  • Vampire fairy queen Kellyanne Conway whose husband openly begs for divorce each time he tweets his feelings about her boss.

You could also make fun of 45 supporters. Have you noticed that half of them have crew cuts, wear bow ties and tortoise frame glasses? Can you say, Poindexter?

Ever notice that half od 45’s spin doctors look like Poindexter?

Just don’t use 45’s name. 45 loves to read, see and hear the name…Nope, I’m resisting temptation. He’ll have to say his name himself. Which he does every moment of every day, even when he’s tweeting from his golden throne.

When 45 makes an outrageously false claim, such as, “The Democrats are playing the Russian card because I handed them their greatest defeat in the all-time history of Presidential politics,” we can still set the record straight. Just don’t mention 45 anywhere in the message. For example, “Did you know that the greatest defeat of a Democrat in the history of American politics was the defeat of James Cox by GOP candidate Warren G. Harding in 1920?”

Wow, readers think. Didn’t the President say his was the greatest drubbing ever? Maybe he lied. Best of all, they can’t accuse you of bias because you didn’t mention the President’s name.

You can even add related facts, such as, “Harding Administration policies contributed directly to the oncoming depression, a depression made worse by Calvin Coolege and Herbert Hoover, who handed the Democrats their second and sixth worst defeats in Presidential history. All three Presidents served only one term. Rounding out the top five? Nixon (3), Theodore Roosevelt (4) and Ronald Reagan (5).”[6]

As you can see, facts speak more loudly when 45 isn’t connected to them, drowning them out like a bull elephant shitting on the White House furniture. When you think of it, who really needs 45 to entertain? He’s surrounded himself with a gold mine of comedic incompetence. Yes, he’s funnier than the lot of them combined, but by the time you finish roasting them, it will be three days after tomorrow.

Ultimately, however, we should refrain because even the funniest 45 joke turns sour. The more you think about the punchline, the sooner your laughter fades to tears, melancholy and deep depression. He isn’t worth it.

Resist temptation.

Ignore 45. Make him disappear. For everyone’s sake.

He begged Peña Nieto to do what? He told Malcolm Turnbull he was the greatest President ever to do what? Sorry. Not listening. #Boring45

You can listen to this article on TapeWrite.

Notes

[1]: In my case, the criticisms do constitute fake media because I “retweet” fake Trump tweets.

[2]: Not doctor’s offices since none of us will have access to care if 45 gets his way.

[3]: Or poured the first round of drinks, depending on your family traditions.

[4]: Aka, Mrs. Betty Bowers.

[5]: This means “fake” in case you’re a Trump supporter.

[6]: “Largest Landslide Victories In US Presidential Election History,” WorldAtlas.com, last modified March 1, 2017.

Wry noir writer Phillip T. Stephens is the author of Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell and Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

Appendix

Since I’m leaping off the bash 45 by name train, I thought it might be fun to include some of my favorite tweets. Consider it a final farewell from the true face of the smartest man in the world.

Just a few of the Trump tweets I’m giving up because they backfired. Trump loves seeing his name.

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