Just Uncovered: White House Press Brief

Everything you wanted to know about the true news

As you may have suspected, everything Sean Spicer says is dictated by a special brief given him by POTUS. Just in case you thought Sean’s answers are spontaneous. The truth is, he isn’t brilliant at riffing off the cuff like our Commander-in-Chief, who mastered the subtle art of improvisational rhetoric.

Trump spins words into pure gold. Just ask him.

What you may not know is that the White House leaks like a sieve. No one can keep a secret, mainly because Trump tweets everything anyway. As a consequence, I came into possession of the brief. You can see that it answers a number of questions. I’m including the entire text for readers:

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Trump made sure the brief was bound like his Executive orders so Spicer would get the message.

White House Communications Office Press Brief

DATE: February 3, 2017 and as long as I want


JOB TITLE: Press Secretary and not Communications Officer


Situation Analysis/background.

Americans love me. I won the electoral college by more votes than any other President in the history of the universe. Be prepared for a warm reception, and if they don’t, call them Fake New.

Purpose of the press conference (e.g., awareness, change in attitude, support for new/old campaign, special event, or general public relations).

To remind everybody how much they love me. They elected me. Don’t ever let them forget how much they love me or else they’re liberal ajitaters.

Message Strategy (What are the key point(s) to be communicated in press release or activity?).

How much they love me. I’m the best President ever. They new it when they elected me.

Target audience(s) for the message. (Who are we trying to reach and with what message(s)?)

How much they love me. I’m the best President ever. They new it when they elected me. How hard is this too figure out, Spicer, you moron. Do you want me to demote you again??????

Supporting Points (What specifics can we offer to support the truth that the lying liberal media distorts with their lying liberal fake news lies?)

Every announcement, every question can be answered by the following talking points. Start with the first and continue through the list.

• 1.8 million people turned out for my inauguration, and that was in the mall in the rain until God made it pass to reward them.

• I’m not racist or anti-semite. My daughter married a Jew and I don’t make fun of his silly hat or their silly special food.

• We’re keeping America safe from bad dudes. There are lots of bad dudes. Millions of em. Hundreds of millions. And they’re all immigrants.

• Your fake news. Everything you say spreads the lying media’s lying lies.

• We’re studying that now. The President is preparing an executive order and will announce it later.

• Next question.

Who gets to ask questions?

Good journalists. The ones that ask simple questions. Not those fake news morons from CNN, ABC and the New York Times.

Background Information (Attach any documents or copies of newsclips, newsletters, advertisements, etc.) or convey where information is available.

Haven’t we given them enough already? Do we need to spend more money on journalists? They’re already mad that I’m having the government pay for five different portraits, including one by some Kraut named Wolfgang Tillmans who costs a fortune and doesn’t do portraits but I promised dual citizenship too (That’s classified. For God sake, don’t let that out).

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Spicer covering his hones his skills as he addresses the Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect. (He spelled her name, “Ann.”)

Specific materials to be developed:

a. Press Release

b. Agenda/ program

c. Evite

d. Media alert

e. Benner/ signage

f. Press kit

g. Talking points (list for whom)

Budget Who needs a budget? Charge it to Congress. Better yet, the American People. They’ll be glad to pay. Wait a minute, Charge it to Mexico. They created this crisis.

Timeline and Responsibilities

Get off your ass, Shaun

There you have it. The complete White House Press Brief for every possible occasion. Should you have had any worries you can set them at ease. President Trump has it covered.

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Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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