Lines allowed to remain:

“Black lives do matter, but white lives matter more. Once we lay that groundwork, we can toss a few bones to the fine Black people as long as they renounce their co-colorists who protest our fine military in the NFL and make more room for short white players in the NBA.”

“I’m replacing Jeff Sessions with my son, Eric, who not only can’t remember anything, he can’t even remember to tell you he forgot.”

“I am authorizing Congress to rebuild half of the Capitol in Mexico, and Democrats can face time from Mexico, but once we get the wall built, they will have to stay put.”

“Don’t believe the fake news that the stock market dropped three hundred points today. It rose three thousand.”

“The invitations to the ‘State of the Uniom address” were not typos. I’m officially renaming it The State of the UnioMAGAdress, State of the Uniom for short, to celebrate our American Magnificence.”