Melania reportedly told the Secret Service during her interrogation, “What do you expect from the man. He has the attention span of a two-year-old. When we were dating, and he was trying to woo me with his money, I thought those phone calls during sex were important business calls. After we married I realized the man can’t keep his focus up.”

I sounded much sexier with an Eastern European accent, and the Secret Service, who haven’t seen their wives since 2016 because they’re on 24-hour-duty protecting the President from himself, thought her explanation was “enchanting.”

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