- Everything in my life is a lie. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be worth telling.
- My mother walked in on me masturbating in the bathroom. She said, “What are your doing?” I said, “Don’t you ever knock?” (She wouldn’t let me lock the door because “what if you died in there? We wouldn’t be able to get to you.”)
- My birth mother was impregnated by aliens and gave birth on the mother ship. They still needed her for probing experiments so they left me on my parents’ door. My parents did their best to love me, but they were Baptists and never understood my need to climb to the roof and wait for something to whisk me to the stars.
- Sometimes the distraction is better than the apple. But never when it comes from the White House.
- I met two women on the beach who wanted to have sex. I followed them to their hotel room and ordered a four hundred bottle of champagne. It turns out they didn’t want to have sex with me.
- One of these is true, but remember item 1.
 A title which turns out to be, if not a lie, then at least a miscaluction.
 The women wanted to have sex, not the beach. But if I said, “I met two women who wanted to have sex on the beach,” the joke wouldn't have worked.
 Meg, Carol and I both signed our papers years before we met, but even if we hadn’t, our current life would be better than life with them.