Nate Saves Face for White House
Newest storm makes Puerto Rico fiasco “so over”
A White House source leaked today that the White House can’t wait for Hurricane Nate to make landfall. “This is the opportunity we’ve been waiting for,” she said under condition of anonymity from the office of the Press Secretary just prior to holding her next press conference. “We took so much s-h-i-t for the fuc… mess up in Puerto Rico that the President is champing at the bit to move past it.”
The source wouldn’t confirm whether the President’s double chin gave him two bits to champ at.
White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders confirmed the leaks later at her press conference when she announced, “In response to the impending threat of Hurricane Nate, the President has dispatched troops and resources to the Louisiana Coast to prepare residents and put preliminary supply chains into place.”
“The people of Puerto Rico had their chance,” Ms. Huckabee Sanders added. “They got selfish, we threw money at them we’ll never get back. Now we can turn our attention to people who can vote for the President’s reelection. People already used to a half-assed Federal response.”
“The people of Puerto Rico had their chance,” Ms. Huckabee Sanders said. “They got selfish, we threw money at them we’ll never get back. Now we can turn our attention to people who can vote.”
When asked how FEMA could mobilize resources before the hurricane when they couldn’t with Maria, Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “This is New Orleans. Learn your geography. It isn’t near a body of water.”
A reporter from CNN who managed to sneak past the armed guards asked if the people of Puerto Rico had any hope for recourse. She replied, “Let them apply for citizenship like the rest of us.”
During the conference, Ms. Huckabee Sanders denied a rumor that the President wanted the National Storm Center to name all storms with male names “himmicanes” to stop the rampant sexism and favoritism in the name hurricane. Nor, she insisted, was it true that the President wanted to name the next storms, “Don, Ivanka, Eric, Tiffany and Don Jr.”
Ms. Huckabee Sanders denied a rumor that the President wanted the National Storm Center to name all storms with male names “himmicanes.”
No one pointed out that the storm map on display for Nate, was actually the map for Maria.
This article is written in compliance with my new policy to no longer mention the President’s name since he loves it when anyone, even critics, say it. #boring45
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
