Our drill sergeant tried to toughen up our unit by making us read some guy named Kierkegaard. It was harder than climbing the mountain of Big Macs, an obstacle designed by our CNC himself. Fortunately, His Majesty heard about the reading and put a stop to it then deported our drill sergeant to “Mexican” duty to deal with the terrorist children. (I heard he lasted a week before surrendering to existential dread, something he wouldn’t have even been exposed to were his immune system not worn down by reading Kierkegaard. Or anything other than His Highness’ Tweets).

Ironically, our sergeant was right. We brought many of the Danes to their knees by quoting their own philosopher. Alas, the CNC heard about our tactics and recalled us for “reeducation.” We learned the value of fighting the American way or not fighting at all before being returned to the front.

P.S. I have also made a fortune selling MDGA hats on the black market to collaborators. My unit was captured when we agreed to have dinner with collaborators wearing MDGA hats in a village called Freetown Christiania, and they stuffed us with hash brownies. I thought they were on our side but it turns out the Danish practice something called “irony” which no one’s been able to explain to me.

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Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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