POTUS Hands Off Mess to Nation
Tells Americans, ”I shit in your bed. You lie in it.”
The President flipped on his family separation policy yet again when he announced during this morning’s staff meeting that immigration will continue to separate families. Maybe. Or maybe not. But yes, “somewhere up the road” families will be separated. Possibly. He isn’t sure, but Americans can be.
“It could be death, which happens to all of us, hopefully not me, knock on wood.” He reached across the table and rapped his knuckles on Attorney General Jeff Session’s head. “Or maybe I’ll tell lying loser Jeff here, ’Snatch ’em and send them to luxury resort hotels, which we’d like to do, but the Democrats refused to fund luxury hotels for children, forcing us to chain them by the neck next to food bowls and leave them in the sun without water all day. That’s the Democrats fault, not mine. Let’s face it, the whole point of locking up kids was to blame it on the Democrats and make them look bad, as bad as they are, I mean, which is real bad. So bad that if Americans elect them in November the country will turn into a shit hole filled with shit hole Mexican vermin which we’re trying to stop. So it’s the Democrat’s fault. But nobody gets that message which is your fucking fault because people blame me, and it’s not my policy. I don’t make policy. I just make shit up on the spur of the moment. It’s called ‘deciding.’ It’s my job to make decisions without thinking because asshole Democrats make me look bad. It’s your job to determine what my mind meant from this minute to the next. All I know is I’m tired of all these illegals showing up at the border with the password because their liberal Jew lawyers, and I’m not knocking the Jews, the Jews are fine people, I’m not knocking the Jews mind you because I’m a Jew, I became a Jew when my hot daughter Ivanka married into a Jew Russian family, the Russians, boy, they know how to do things. Show up at their border with a stupid password like ‘amnesty’ and they amnesty your ass into forced fucking labor, which is what we should do. Got all these farmers who can’t find Americans to pick their fruit and why should they, picking fruit is a shitty fucking job, I wouldn’t do it, so lets arrest those immigrants and make them pick fruit for four dollars an hour without benefits and see how they like it. My point is, and you can tell the whole country, I shit in your bed. You lie in it.”
“It’s my job to make decisions without thinking because asshole Democrats make me look bad. It’s your job to determine what my mind meant from this minute to the next.”
He stopped to type six Tweets and concluded with, “We need a new password too. One the shit hole people and their Jew lawyers will never figure out.”
No confusion, just “indecision hiccups.”
After the cabinet meeting immigration officials, and the rest of Americans are more confused about immigration family policy than ever before. Some lawyers are prosecuting, some are refusing to prosecute, some children are being fed while others are being handcuffed to stairwells, some children are being sold to China as slave labor “before they become MS-13 gang members” and others are being returned to families, if not the right families.
As soon as children are delivered to the wrong parents, I.C.E. is arresting the new families and detaining them together. “We’re calling this administrative nightmare ‘indecision hiccups,’” Laredo director Beau Rokrat told The Haven. “We’ve been instructed to assure reporters this is our fault, and not the President’s.”
The most prominent example of today’s indecision hiccups was the return of baby Jemarcus to his parents Joe and Maria. “This is not our child,” complained the Virgin Mother who watched helplessly when I.C.E. agents ripped the baby Jesus from her arms Tuesday. Her complaint was shared by more than two hundred parents who were handed children at random from a Walmart delivery truck.
“They got a kid back. We got three letters of his name right,” Rokrat defended his agents. “What’s the complaint?” He admitted agents can’t locate the baby Jesus, “who was more trouble than we expected. People from all over the country kept breaking into the compound and reaching through the bars to touch the usless mierda pequeña.”
“They got a kid back. We got three letters of his name right. What’s the complaint?”
The sentiment was shared by the President when he heard the news. “They’re shit hole kids from shit hole countries,” he reportedly shouted at Chief of Staff John Kelly. “They were going to sell their kids to pedophiles to pay their drug bills anyway. And where’s my new password?”
First Lady adds to confusion
POTUS was already outraged that First Lady Melania flew to McAllen, Texas, to inspect a border facility without permission. “Don’t you ever let her upstage me again,” he shouted at communications director Stephanie Grisham, who has no control over the First Lady’s schedule. “She’ll probably come back with the Mexican crabs or some other infestation,” he complained to his cabinet.
“Don’t you ever let her upstage me again,” he shouted at communications director Stephanie Grisham, who has no control over the First Lady’s schedule. “She’ll probably come back with the Mexican crabs or some other infestation.”
Rather than coming back with an infestation the First Lady went viral with her jacket, which announced, “I don’t care, do you?” “Stupid goddam jacket,” POTUS swore when he saw it. “Of course I don’t care, but you don’t have to parade it to the public.”
The Haven’s confidential White House source confirmed the password was changed just before the end of POTUS’s office hours at noon ET. “FYI,” he added, “it’s ‘swordfish.’”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
