POTUS: Shooters Are the Good Guys
Everyone joins scramble to avoid blaming guns
In response to the latest school shooting at Sante Fe High School in Texas, the 17th since the President took office, POTUS responded, “You mean I have four times as many as Obama? I finally beat the bastard at something.”
He went on to say, “These shootings have gone on too long in America. They should be quicker and cleaner in the future. Real in-and-out affairs.” When asked if he was willing to propose a solution this time, POTUS told reporters, “Yes. We need to clean the radical element out of our schools and fast food joints.
“If the Florida shootings proved anything, it’s that the shooters may be the good guys cleaning up our trash,” he explained. “Look at what happened after Florida. Those loudmouth liberal kids went on a media campaign to make God-fearing gun owners look bad. Who was the one guy exercising his second amendment rights? The shooter. Maybe he should’ve cleaned out the entire rat’s nest and maybe those cowardly deputies should have helped him.”
“Look at what happened after Florida. Those loudmouth liberal kids went on a media campaign to make God-fearing gun owners look bad. Who was the one guy exercising his second amendment rights? The shooter.”
The White House rushed to cover the President’s ass as soon as he finished speaking. Chief of Staff John Kelly’s assistant BG Kizzazz called reporters to explain, “POTUS was in a bad space. As you know, he was the only head of state not invited to the royal wedding. Not that he wanted to go. He told us he wouldn’t hobnob with those European phonies if they held a gun to Ivanka’s head.”
Kizzazz added that, “Just for a second, and he didn’t mean it because we know he likes to kid around, he told Kelly he wished we had given that Texas shooter an all-expenses paid trip to London while he was still worked up. I’m sure he confused his comment on the Florida students with that joke. That’s all. Which he didn’t mean. You know how he likes to kid.”
“Just for a second, and he didn’t mean it because we know he likes to kid around, he told Kelly he wished we had given that Texas shooter an all-expenses paid trip to London while he was still worked up (about not being invited to the royal wedding).”
The President was kidding so much he Tweeted, “Texans get it right. Give the kids guns in classrooms and let them CLEAN OUT the BAD GUYS.” The Tweet wasn’t clear which kids should have guns and if he still considered the victims bad guys. For the record, however, only college students are allowed to carry guns in Texas classrooms, a law the NRA is pushing to change.
NRA and Texas join the gun debate
Ollie North, the newly appointed President, argued, “The Texas shootings prove their open carry laws are too conservative. If high school teachers and students had guns, we wouldn’t have these Hollywood actors pretending to be victims like they did today. They would have been shot on spot for trespassing and really killed like they justly deserved.”
The State of Texas added even more suggestions to make school’s safer without curbing access to guns. The state’s Lt. Governor, Dan Patrick, suggested converting schools to military installations with surveillance, armed patrols and barriers. “When the shootings start, we lock down our schools and the killers can’t get away,” he told reporters.
“Wouldn’t that lock the shooter in with the students and expose them to more danger?” a reporter asked.
“We may loose a few in the crossfire,” he admitted, “but it will be worth it to avoid the expense of a trial and liberal lawyers pushing their gun-control initiatives. Besides, think what great trophies the shooters’ heads would make when we hang them in the capitol.”
“We may loose a few (students) in the crossfire, but it will be worth it to avoid the expense of a trial and liberal lawyers pushing their gun-control initiatives.”
After the Lt. Governor’s conference, the Texas Tourist Bureau prepared for a steeper decline in out-of-state visitors. Bureau director Huck Steer told The Haven, “Our motto is ‘Welcome to Texas,’ but outside the state people think it’s ‘Always armed, always safe.’”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
