Sean Spicer Resigns, Checks Into Rehab

Former White House Spokesman suffers “serious breakdown”

Representatives of the non-profit institution TrumpRecover admitted today that former White House Spokesman Sean Spicer was checked into their facilities this afternoon after suffering a “serious breakdown.”

“When we took him in, Sean told everyone he was really Melissa McCarthy impersonating Sean Spicer,” said hospital administrator Dr. Nikki Laaksonen (mother of former Miss Finland Ninni Laaksonen, who also underwent treatment at the center).

An attending nurse, who asked not to be named, reported that Spicer wanted to be wheeled to his room on his mobile podium. “He kept repeating, ‘I’m the fake Sean Spicer, damn it, and I want my sweet ride. The one the President told Spicer he couldn’t have because the taxpayers shouldn’t foot the tab.”

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Spicer claimed he was SNL actress Melissa McCarthy impersonating himself. (Images courtesy of CNN and C-SPAN.)

Just before they administered the cocktail of thorazine, haloperidol, dalmane and versed, Spicer is reported to have yelled, “Trump can blow six million of the taxpayers’ money in a single weekend at Mara Lago, but not one dime for Spicy’s ride.”

The White House responded to Spicer’s breakdown with a post on whitehouse.gov: “We are sorry to hear of Sean Spicer’s troubles subsequent to his resignation. Sean will have to use his terrible Obamacare policy to pay for his bills. Under our bill, he would have been free to choose a policy that didn’t cover mental health at a greatly reduced cost.”

“Sean will have to use his terrible Obamacare policy to pay for his (medical) bills. Under our bill, he would have been free to choose a policy that didn’t cover mental health at a greatly reduced cost.” –White House statement.

President Trump tweeted shortly after news of his commitment broke: “Heard Spicy lost it when he left. Typical, since he lost it at every conference.”

Melissa McCarthy had no comment.

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President Trump showed his usual support for Spicer with a tweet.

The TrumpRecover center was founded to treat Trump employees, former employees and people who did business with Trump from symptoms that develop after prolonged interaction with Donald Trump. The initial funding came from a settlement against REDACTED • REDACTED • REDACTED.[1] Symptoms frequently include post-traumatic stress disorder, paranoia, prolonged mental and nervous breakdowns, substance abuse and attempted suicide.

In related news, Jimmy James Baldwin won two million dollars in a national pool to predict the exact date, hour and method of Spicer’s departure. Baldwin selected July 21, 8–9 am ET, “out of sheer goddam disgust at having his face rubbed in the mud again, but would be forced to say he was making room for a staff that could better serve the president.”

Debbie Monroe, a second-floor receptionist, won six thousand dollars in the largest pool ever collected by White House staffers.

[1] Details have been redacted from this post due to a non-disclosure agreement signed by the aggrieved party.

Phillip T. Stephens, who specializes in wry noir, is the author of Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell and Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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