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Second chair lawyer Rudy Giuliani plays the truth like a fiddle for Sean Hannity. (Mark Nozell)

Spoiler Alert! He Knew But You Don’t

Like that movie? Davey wakes from a nightmare. Oops. It’s real.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

(Updated Friday, May 4)

Wednesday night the President’s newest lawyer Rudy Giuliani laid out a timeline for the Stormy Daniels six-ring circus (but not scandal) that makes the story clear for anyone reading :

  • The President never met Stormy Daniels.
  • He was totally uninterested because she’s not his type when he met her, which he never did.
  • Even though they never met, they never met again to have sex.

Breaking news: Emmet Flood, the guy who represented Bill Clinton — a lawyer whom POTUS accused of being a scumbag for representing a serial molester like Clinton — is not representing the President. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders assured reporters the two have not discussed the matter.

News Breaking into Breaking News: Rudy Giuliani is no longer the President’s newest lawyer. The President hires Emmet Flood, the man who got Clinton off the hook, to lead his legal team (not to be confused with Emmet Flood, the scumbag lawyer who got Bill Clinton off the hook). Giuliani has been bumped to second wheel and media wind bag.

Associates tell CNN, “Giuliani has lost his edge. He’s not the Joker he used to be.”

“Giuliani has lost his edge. He’s not the Joker he used to be.”

Accounting for the money

Giuliani also made it clear that the President paid Cohen a $130,000 retainer to sit around and do nothing. This payment did not belong to Cohen but to Daniels and the lawyer was expected to forward the payment to her. Cohen, Giuliani added, is the President’s fixer, his go-to guy whom POTUS trusts to fix any problem without any communication other than telepathy.

As an aside, Giuliani added, “The President fired James Comey to stop the Russia investigation, but no one cares about that investigation, which is why America will never allow an honorable woman like Ivanka, whom every American cherishes like the daughter we want to sleep with, to testify. Also, Jared Kushner can go fuck himself.”

“America will never allow an honorable woman like Ivanka, whom every American cherishes like the daughter we want to sleep with, to testify. Also, Jared Kushner can go fuck himself.”

Breaking News: The President’s second-chair lawyer Rudy Giuliani told Sean Hannity that his name is no longer spelled “Giuliani,” but “Guiliani.” “I just want to keep things consistent,” he explained. “Americans need to be a consistent state of disorientation so they’ll give up, pull the covers over their heads and pray for the noise to go away.”

Breaking News Update: The President’s second-chair lawyer Rudy Guiliani announces that “you can spell my name any way you want as long as you’re in the ball park. If you leave out an “i,” add an extra “l,” it’s fine. Legally, you can follow the law any way you want. It’s subject to your personal beliefs and interpretation. As long as you’re in the ball park, or the city where the ball park is, or even on the same planet, legally you’re in the clear.”

Giuliani lays out clear and understandable timeline

During a two hour and thirty-five minute interview with FOX News’ entertainment host Sean Hannity (an interview that was longer than the interview he will allow between special counsel Robert Mueller and the President), Giuliani walked viewers through the Daniels timeline and reminded them POTUS’ story has never changed in a single detail.

The President didn’t instruct his attorney Michael Cohen to pay Daniels off to keep her mouth shut about an affair that never happened. Instead, he gave Cohen a retainer in the exact amount of the payment. Once the money was deposited, and legally his own, Cohen paid. But it wasn’t a donation.

I worked non-stop for twenty-four hours to carefully reconstruct the timeline for readers, a timeline that has, in the words of the President, never changed in the history of timelines. I fact checked even more than FOX News [1] to verify this timeline’s accuracy:

  1. The Candidate POTUS — who isn’t worried that his affair with Daniels will hurt his chances for election, especially after the “pussy grabbing tape,” which no one cares about — parades every woman who accused Bill Clinton of sexual impropriety before the Democratic Convention.
  2. He doesn’t instruct his attorney Michael Cohen to pay Daniels off to keep her mouth shut about an affair that never happened. Instead, he gives Cohen a retainer in the exact amount of the payment. The retainer is to “do nothing.”
  3. Cohen deposits the money, and then, once it’s his money and not the President’s, pays Daniels.
  4. Simultaneously, POTUS instructs Cohen to keep him out of “the Daniels thing.” Cohen follows the instructions so well that 45 has no idea Cohen even tried to buy Daniels off. Which is why he doesn’t sign the contract as David Dennison and doesn’t give Cohen any money to pay her.
  5. Simultaneously, the President is completely in the dark that Daniels has threatened to go public with her absolutely untrue allegations.
  6. After the election, the President declares that he never paid his attorney to pay off Daniels for an affair that never happened. His declaration violates the agreement he didn’t sign.
  7. Cohen claims he took no money from the President, but paid Daniels off out of the goodness of his heart so she’d keep quiet about a story that wasn’t true, and for which (if it wasn’t true), 45 would have sued for libel and slander.
  8. The President doesn’t sue, because it never happened and it was all a lie.
  9. Daniels sues.
  10. POTUS tells supporters at a rally that there’s no way he would have had sex with Daniels because “she’s fugly.”
  11. And she is. Just look at her. She’s so ugly men paid to have sex with her, paid to download videos of her having sex with men who paid to have sex with her, and…

The timeline is interrupted because what the men who weren’t sexually attracted to Daniels did in their free time with her downloaded videos isn’t appropriate for this publication.

Research methodology

After the President called Daniels “fugly” I downloaded her videos for research purposes only.[2]

My wife Carol found them on my computer. She shouted,“#You too?” Then she slammed the bedroom door. The next day she checked our bank account and discovered I charged $465 to our credit card for one month subscriptions to 17 sites. Even though I assured her that we could write the cost off as research, she contacted her attorney to file for divorce, only to discover that since she supports me, I would benefit more financially from the divorce than she would.

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The timeline broken down visually for POTUS.(Click to enlarge)

Other accusers appear

The President told Americans that the sex he never had with Daniels was the best sex she ever had. The same for the other women who accused him, but never slept with him, in spite of the fact those were nights they will remember for the rest of their lives.

  1. Eight million women testify that the President treated them as shabbily as he treated Daniels.
  2. POTUS claims that so many women wouldn’t possibly accuse him if there was any truth to the allegations. The fact that they had to gang up to find the courage to accuse him proves what lying cowards those unattractive women whom no one would ever sleep with were.
  3. The President fires everyone. Those he doesn’t fire resign hoping to hold onto some shred of dignity. The entire scandal reboots while his new staff catches up.
  4. The New York Attorney General, who was taping the conversations that never occurred between 45 and Cohen, secures a warrant and seizes the documents that don’t exist that prove the existence of an affair between the President and Daniels that never occurred and a cover up that didn’t occur either because nothing happened when they had sex together,
  5. The President tells America that the sex he never had with Daniels was the best sex she ever had. The same for the other women who accused him, but never slept with him, in spite of the fact those were nights they will remember for the rest of their lives.
  6. Trump hires new lawyers
  7. No, it turns out, he didn’t hire new lawyers.
  8. Okay, it turns out they were his lawyers for two hours and the sex he didn’t have with them was the best they would ever have had.
  9. The President pardons 666 hardened white collar criminals and sex offenders as a hint he might pardon his “best friends, the good guys who did nothing to land in jail, and he should know because he wasn’t associated with them in anyway.”
  10. After fifteen minutes, the longest time he has spent at his desk since ever, he launches a Tweet storm about Daniels and the Russia thing. He’s furious because people find it more credible that he colluded with Russia than the possibility he slept with Daniels. He Tweets through the afternoon, the night and the rest of the weekend. He only stops to eat Big Macs and shakes.
  11. Daniels and the other women reveal that he paid them “a lot” after the sex that didn’t happen.
  12. Americans have an easier time believing he actually scored with Daniels now that they know he paid her at the time, and then paid her to keep quiet. Until then most Americans looked at the two of them (and the other women as well) and said, “no way in hell.”
  13. One bill on an issue he campaigned on crosses the President’s desk . A tax bill that is the exact opposite of the bill he promised during the campaign. He signs it and tells Americans, “Now you know how it feels when I do to you what I didn’t do to Daniels.”
  14. His favorability rating goes from 36 percent to 40. The White House and every Republican in the world call this a victory.
  15. More staff members exit. Most of them are his lawyers.
  16. POTUS hires Guliani.
  17. Guiliani tells Sean Hannity the President repaid every penny to Cohen, but he didn’t lie about his ignorance of the deal. He gave Cohen the money as “a retainer to do nothing.” Cohen misunderstood and gave the money to Daniels, which he shouldn’t have done because nothing ever happened for her to hide.

The Fall Out

Huckabee Sanders told reporters that she knew nothing about the repayment until she heard Gullanini share the information with Hannity. The President defended her with a Tweet: “Sanders was in the dark. Do you think we pay her to know what’s going on? Women can’t be trusted to keep their mouths shut. Just look at Daniels who I never touched.”

“Sanders was in the dark. Do you think we pay her to know what’s going on? Women can’t be trusted to keep their mouths shut. Just look at Daniels who I never touched.”

Later in the day POTUS defiantly told reporters, “Of course I paid Cohen back. What? Do you think I’d let my employees blindside me. Nothing happens that I don’t know. Nothing. I’m on top of every detail.”

After a sidebar with Chief of Staff John Kelly, the President amends his statement to include, “Except the Russia thing. I knew nothing about the Russia thing. I was completely in the dark about anything that never happened. In fact, I didn’t learn about the payback until after it happened because people don’t tell me anything. Never. It’s a disgrace. You’d think I’d be in the know since the country has to do whatever I tell it. But I didn’t know. I didn’t even know the money was gone. It was pocket change to me. I shit more than a hundred and thirty thousand dollars between Tweets.”

“I didn’t even know the money was gone. It was pocket change to me. I shit more than a hundred and thirty thousand dollars between Tweets.”

Breaking News Update (May 4, 2018): The President calls a press conference to announce Guillannini did those interviews on his first day, before he knew any of “the many hundreds of thousands of tiny detailed facts about this case about something that never happened and was made up — including that phony NDA which I never saw and never signed because I sent it back to Cohen and said ‘don’t give into the lying bitch’ even though Michael did the entire NDA, which, as I said, never existed (Never!!!) and I knew nothing about the NDA because there was nothing to know since there never was an NDA and I don’t even know what those initials mean. Let me stress, it was made up, and Rudy, who’s a great guy buy the way, especially in his new official White House White make up and wig, I mean, he looks like that law abiding citizen the Joker who spent his life being chased down by that fake vigilante wearing a bat suit, Rudy paid the money back to Michael Cohen which he never paid because there was no NDA because the entire thing never happed, I never met Super-Sexy Stormy Weathers, who I think is kind of dumpy, I mean, what man could possibly want to nuzzle his face between those big, warm, inviting tits that look like soft silicon pillows a baby could nap on all after noon, tits I’ve never seen because I never met her, which is how silly this is. So Rudy needs time to gets his facts straight, bear with him, especially because he kindly paid Cohen back every penny of the money he never paid to start with.

“And by the way. I never said I knew nothing about the case. Check the record. There is no video of me on Air Force One denying any knowledge of Michael’s actions on my behalf. And if anyone shows it to you, you’re not seeing it. It’s faker than fake news, it’s non-existant news. Now excuse me because I have to fly to Dallas and talk to the NRA who will believe any crap I tell them and even applaud it.”

Even though this comment was far less complex, far less cryptic and far more factual than any of his other comments, I thought readers would appreciate a breakdown:

  1. Gullablini didn’t do his research before he opened his mouth.
  2. POTUS knew about the NDA and told Cohen to rip it up.
  3. Gullandi repaid the money the President never paid to Cohen, not the President, who never paid any money to repay.
  4. Anyone who thinks they remember seeing a video clip of the President denying any knowledge of Cohen’s actions on his behelf. There is no video.

“Check the record. There is no video of me on Air Force One denying any knowledge of Michael’s actions on my behalf. And if anyone shows it to you, you’re not seeing it.”

The timeline restarts

“Mexico is developing nukes for their criminal terrorist immigrants to smuggle into the country. Must act now.”

A source inside the White House shared a new timeline that begins today. It was crafted after five minutes of careful debate and deliberation.

  1. The President gives Guliani new marching orders. Just before the North Korea meeting Gllianniu will announce that the lying media made up the whole thing about paying Cohen back. The President never paid Cohen back because there is nothing to pay back.
  2. A hit team, not hired by the President through Jared Kushner’s Russian mob connections, will assassinate Cohen before his trial begins. POTUS will tell the world what a great guy he was and pardon him posthumously. He will add, “I guess it’s true that no jail will protect a guy who rats on his boss.”
  3. In 2020 America will wake up and realize we dreamed the last four years. We’ll agree it was the most traumatic nightmare of our lives. We will enjoy breakfast with our families, and turn on the TV, only to watch a story break about the President’s latest Twitter Storm deporting the entire Clinton family and claiming he has proof that “Mexico is developing nukes for their criminal terrorist immigrants to smuggle into the country. Must act now.”

[1]: I checked two facts, including the spelling of Giuliani’s name. This is still more fact checking than FOX News conducted in April, which means they checked twice as many facts as the White House has conducted since inauguration day.*

[2]: This was the second fact I checked. I watched the videos solely to verify the President’s claims that Daniels was unattractive.

*The one fact checked was the distance from the White House to the nearest McDonalds. They still were off by three blocks.

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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

  1. Guiliani tells Sean Hannity the President repaid every penny to Cohen, but he didn’t lie about his ignorance of the deal. He gave Cohen the money as “a retainer to do nothing.” Cohen misunderstood and gave the money to Daniels, which he shouldn’t have done because nothing ever happened for her to hide.

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Living metaphor. Follow me @stephens_pt.

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