Trump announces detailed policy plans

Dispels notion he’s “long on bluster, short on ideas”

In the face of mounting skepticism from Congressional Democrats and a minority of Republicans in the Senate, Trump’s White House released the details of several major initiatives late Friday night when most media reporters (referred to by Trump as the “Lying Media”) and everyone else were enjoying themselves.

“We chose this strategic time because the President felt this would get the strongest favorable reaction,” Sean Spicer’s immigrant janitor Jesus Villereal told the empty press room. “They asked me to talk about this because everybody was at Mar-a-Lago for the weekend and because they could say, ‘It was the immigrant. Blame him. Look, liberals, we used an immigrant.’ If anyone questions this,” he added.

Trump’s detail policy papers include:

  1. Write an executive order telling Congrss to reform taxes.
  2. It should be bigly tax reforms. Massive. The kind that will make America great again.
  3. Remind everyone you submitted a detaled plane to Congress.
  4. Watch America get great again. Bigly great again. So great again they’ll thank, themselves for giving me more electoral college votes (307) than any President in history.
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According to the Office of Government Statistics, press conference factuality increases by 195 percent once they end.
  1. Write an exective order telling Congrss to reform Obamcare. Better yet, ditch it. Entirely. Like wipe it off the face of the earth like we should do with ISIS.
  2. Wait, lots of Americans like Obamacare, Maybe just reform it. Yeh, that’s it reform it.
  3. It should be bigly health care reforms. Massive. The kind that will make America great, no, healthy, again.
  4. Remind everyone you submitted a detaled plant to Congress.
  5. Watch America get healther. Bigly healthylike. So healthier. they’ll thank themselves for giving me more electoral college votes (497) than any President in history.

Trump’s new highly detailed policy plans will make America great again. Bigly great again. So great again they’ll thank, themselves for giving him more electoral college votes than any President in history.

  1. Write an ecsecutive order telling the Military to develop my secret plan to wipe ISIS off the fact of the earth. Gone. Bigly gone. Bigger gone that Obamacare.
  2. Don’t tell anyone what the plan is. Even the military. We don’t want the enemy to know the plan. That would be bigly weak.
  3. Execut the plan, The military doesn’t need it written down. I’m Commander in Chief. They should no what I’m thinking. Not the terrorists though. They shouldn’t know what I’m thinking. That’s why I’m not telling anyone.
  4. Watch America get safer. Bigly safer. So better they’ll thank, themselves for giving me more electoral college votes (1,097) than any President in history. And eighty percent of the popular vote if you don’t count the twenty million people who voted illegally.
  5. Write a voting reform plan too. That’s bigly. Maybe more important than the rest of this shit. Where’s Bannon. What do you mean he’ll call me back when he has time to put up with my shit?
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Trump declares new “Blank Executive Order” policy. He signs ahead of time and Bannon fills them out.
  1. How much of this crap do I have to spell out for you? I hired you to make up the details. I’m the big picture guy. I got seven billion electoral votes. That’s like a vote for every body in the world. No one ever got seven billion electoral votes before.
  2. But I did. I, Donald Trump. I won bigly and don’t forget it when you keep America bigly safe by keeping those Moslems and American haters out. Including Hillary and Bill. Deport them while you’re at it.
  3. And Flynn. He screwed the pooch. He deserves Sibyr… Cyber…Russian winters.
  1. From here on out I want a “Blank Ecexutive Order” policy. Just give me the paper and I’ll sign it.
  2. Get Bannon to fill them out after. I don’t care if he is the boss. It’s about time he started carrying his weight.
  3. The ballots from Mars just got in. I won 99% of the Martian Electoral College too. And I didn't spend a dime on advertising.

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Phillip T. Stephens is the author of the novels cigerets, guns & beer, and Raising Hell.

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