White House Advisor delivers revolutionary model for failure
In a series of briefings delivered Thursday, Homeland Security Advisor Tom Bossert rolled out the administration’s daring new model for dropping the ball in Puerto Rico. Bossert told reporters the White House was relying on a business model to deliver help to stranded and abandoned islanders. Not only one model, he stressed, but several.
Bossert called the models “a business model,” an “updated business model,” and an “updated updated business model.” When asked why they revised the plans, Bossert said, “We don’t revise. We never revise because no one who works for the President ever makes bad plans. We merely update, minor updates at that. Just tweaking little details like how to pay, and redirecting troops from Mexico City to San Juan when Puerto Rico insisted they weren’t Mexico.”
The updated models were the seventh, eighth, and ninth updated models the White House deployed this week, following the “good news” model, the “ignore them and hope everyone will forget them” model and the “flush them because they owe us money model,” which replaced the updated, updated by not revised business models on Friday.
Bossert’s business models remain largely unexplained, and reporters who pressed him were warded off with even more obscure terms such as “capacity problem” and “price point.” He then told reporters they should only report what they hear from him because he has the most up-to-date “currency of data.” Members of Medium’s crack research staff chose to tackle the problem head-on and research the terms for our readers. Following are the key elements of Bossert’s business models:
Business model: A plan to provide an essential good or service and make a huge profit of the suckers who buy it from us. In the case of Puerto Rico, we provide them with food and supplies six months after they no longer need it, charge the taxpayers an arm and a leg, raise the interest rates on Puerto Ricans and drive them deeper into debt. To us.
Updated business model: When our customers aren’t “buying the goods” fast enough we delay delivery even longer, drive up the prices and increase our return and their debt.
Centralized business model: We plan everything from Washington D.C. based on the latest out-of-date information and assumptions made by planners and, more important, the Commander in Chief who gathers the most important intel on Twitter.
Decentralized business model: Turn the entire effort over to local authorities. Assist them by promising to forward every request directly to the White House, who will, in turn, ignore them.
Distribution systems to insure the supply chains: Give guns to truck drivers so they’ll feel safe delivering the few supplies on hand to the Mexicans that make up the majority of Puerto Rico’s criminal and rapist population.
Commodities: Items grown or made to sell at an inflated price to people who haven’t done us the favor of dying and stopping their drain on the tax base.
Capacity problem: We’re running out of excuses to explain our total incompetence. (aka, overcapacity)
Currency of data The cost of information, which is why the different press offices get more than three quarters of the total hurricane relief budget.
President reveals startling island secrets to an astounded world
In a related story, the President informed the world that islands were surrounded by water. The information stunned scientists and lay people alike who had never before realized that islands were not only in water but that they weren’t connected by land. “That would be an isthmus, or peninsula,” the President explained, “and both words are really hard to spell, so you don’t need to remember them.”
 Some people believe Bossert used the term “currancy of data” (which would mean “most current”) but a search of every dictionary in our database confirmed that no such word exists.