Your parents were thinking, why throw away a perfectly good vibrator because your kid’s depraved? In my father’s case it would be “waste $3” because he would’ve bought the cheapest one at Radio Shack. They also were ashamed you turned out just like them. Which was another reason not to waste $3. If they hid it from you, however, you’d look for it in their bedroom and catch one of them in the act.

Being the father of a boy, my drama played out with magazines instead of vibrators.